Living my memories

I've always lived my life by dates.   Celebrating birthdays and anniversaries.   Becky and I always had a 'birthday week'.   Anniversaries are for anything that happened - not just wedding anniversaries, but things like my first date,  when I started at a job,  stuff.

And so this next three to five months are jam packed with dates from 2010 when a friendship turned into a relationship that turned into the biggest mistake of my life that turned into my worst nightmare.

And the 10th of February is the beginning of my 'datefest'.    I have been so nervous about this day coming.   So nervous about how I will cope, what I will do.   Last year, in April, May, June, July, August ....  I didn't cope well.  Actually I fell completely apart.   I would cry for hours, curled up in a ball on the floor, or hiding in my bed.   I moved through the day, forcing myself to do the basics - but that was all I could do.  

My poor boys.   They were trying to deal with my leaving their dad, and then they had to cope with me falling apart in front of them as well.   They were great.   Very caring.   Looked after themselves a lot.   I suppose they should be able to do that at 15 and 17.   But I realise that I made their lives a lot harder than it should have been. 

So the closer Thursday has come the more stressed I've been, the more easily I've been reduced to tears.   The more easily I lose my temper. The more 'mental' I feel. 

And now it's the day after tomorrow.    

The 10th of February 2010 wasn't a bad day, it was a beautiful day.   But it set me on a path that I shouldn't have gone down.   And that's all Thursday represents for me.   The pain that I have put myself through because I went and met a man. 

Here's hoping Thursday comes and goes is a flash...