There were days, weeks even months last year where I would suddenly find myself crying, curled up in a ball on the floor, trying my hardest to stop my heart from falling out of my chest through the great gaping hole created by the pain I was going through.
Some days I would function for a while, and then crash for a while, pull myself together and go back to functioning. But only by remote control. Only by putting one foot in front of the other and forcing myself to pull the other foot forward.
It was a slow and agonizing period where I was trying my hardest to hide the way I was feeling from my very sensitive, caring and loving kids. Because I didn't want to worry them.
Of course I didn't do that very well. One day I came home from work, and my 15 year old said to me 'you were crying today mum - some time around 11 am' . I was stunned that he was so attuned to me that he knew I was upset even though he was at school and I was at work.
I have been doing very well lately - My 2010 motto of 'Life Sux And Then You Die' has been removed - I'm not sure what it will be replaced with for 2011, but something far more positive !!!
Until today...
Today, I fell in a heap. I don't know why, I don't really know what about, all I know is that I found myself on the floor in the bathroom at work, sobbing as if the last 7 months had evaporated away. And the pain that I have worked so hard to cope with, deal with, come to terms with - all that work, it was all gone - it was as if it had just happened yesterday. And I DON'T KNOW WHY.
And I feel like I have to start all over again.
NOT how I wanted to start 2011 !!!!
:(
ReplyDeleteMaybe you don't have to start again. Maybe it was just a bad day and we all have days when we fall in a heap.
But if you have to start all over again you CAN. I love you. Don't block me out, okay xo
Hi Mumeroo.
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry that you are having a rough trot at the moment (although thats probably an understatement). I dont however, believe you've undone the past 7 months or hard work. It sounds to me like you are going through a very normal grieving process. It might be worth crusing around the net and finding out some info about it. For example I found the following website http://www.hns.org/Bertolon_Center_for_Grief_Healing/The_Grieving_Process.aspx and it seems quite good. The main things I took from the information i found on grieving are: that there is no set time limit on how long the process takes, and that just about everything you feel is normal/natural.
One last thing I would like to say is I know parents want to and try to protect their children, but we (kids) are extremely perceptive and I'll bet they don't want you to go through everything you are experiencing by yourself.
Burdens are lighter when they are shared.
I know that you are a wonderful woman and mother and you will come out the other side of this stronger. I'm certain that fantastic things beyond this await you. I hope things start looking up. xx
Virginia - I love you <3
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