2010 was a bad year for me, I left my husband at the very end of 2009. Readjusting to life was difficult all by itself without me adding the extra stuff I did.
I thought that I had found a true 'kindred spirit'. But no, he was just... well he was the opposite to who I thought he was. That's probably the nicest way to put it. It's a very long, very complicated story that I will probably never tell, because it just hurt way too much. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not blameless in that story.
Even now, when I thought he couldn't hurt me anymore, something someone said to me today just brought it all flooding back. And incredibly, brought a lot of the pain back to the surface. So I'm obviously not as 'over' him as I thought I was.
Since then, I've lost faith in myself. I question everything I think, every decision I make, every direction I consider taking. I wonder if I'll ever trust myself again... And I have to question my perceptions of people as well. Because my perception is what I lost the most.
Not sure what I do to get that back...
Huge hugs.
ReplyDeleteWhile you are not blameless you need to learn to trust yourself again. You need not question yourself so much. You're amazing and strong. You simply made a mistake.
It sure has been a tough year, but 2011 is going to be good. I don't know how to help you but I promise I am here and I will do what I can.
Mumeroo I believe you can be "over" someone without being "over" the hurt.
ReplyDeleteI really hate the saying "stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" because words hurt. A lot. And they scar deep down where no one can see them. There is no cast to show people you hurt, no stitches for people to avoid touching, so they come in and without knowing, reopen an old wound we thought was healing well.
I realize none of this helps you, but I just wanted to show my support. Maybe your radar's not gone? Maybe it was just a bit faulty?
If my time in therapy (yeah, I'm a loony) has taught me anything, it's that boundaries are important. Keep yours up for now until you grow stronger and trust in yourself again.
Welcome to the blogging world,
Glowless x
Welcome to the blogging world Mumeroo! I am sure you will find comfort and support both in writing and in the community.
ReplyDeleteIn New Zealand there is a saying KIA KAHA which means 'Stand strong' - so Kia Kaha Mumeroo!
I know it is much easier said than done and some days will be more difficult, I wish I had the answers for you. I don't doubt though that 2011 will be better and I look forward to following your blog and watching you and your lovely daughter making 2011 special! x
Hi Mumeroo. Lovely to find you in blog land. It sounds like you are very hard on yourself. Someone wise once advised me when I was going through a rough patch that if I treated my best friend like I treated myself, that I wouldn't have a best friend anymore. I am sure you'll come through. Very much looking forward to following your journey through your blog. x
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much... I've seen the support that Becky has received and it has often brought me to tears reading the lovely things that people say to lift her up.
ReplyDeleteI am so looking forward to getting to know you all.
Welcome to the wonderful world of blogging! It is such a lovely place :-) Are you a photo buff like Becky?? Oh, and what are you studying at uni??
ReplyDeletexxxCate
Hi Becky's Mum!!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I think your post is so interesting because, if I didn't read your first para about divorce, I would swear I was reading a post by a teenage girl... do you know what I mean?
I don't think your radar is broken, just rusty. It's probably been a very long time since you've had to use it in this way. And all the feelings and emotions are very raw after all this time too. The only way around that is not to withdraw, it's to get out there and oil it up and use it!!! It's true!!!
I hope one day you write about it. It's good to grieve about things in this way. It helps the disappointments and the hurts heal. It helps the 'shame' (is shame the right word?) go away a bit too. x
Hi Mumeroo
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say hi too.
I hope you find a new direction leads you to a place where you can begin to trust people and yourself again.
Hi Mumeroo, I found you through Becky's blog. I wanted to say that I understand something of your pain and confusion because I too am going through a divorce. I left my husband last year and the circumstances were just unbelievable. Really defied belief. It was clear that although we were together for 10 years and had 2 children together, I didn't know the man at all. While it's tempting to blame ourselves for not seeing the deception, I think we need to go easy on ourselves and perhaps reframe the situation. Often women have a great deal of compassion and can misplace it on men who are perhaps not up to reciprocating (to put it mildly). I think we need to learn to listen to our guts and not talk ourselves into situations that may look good on the outside, even though they may not feel right to us.
ReplyDeleteWriting is wonderful. I have been writing my way through my pain and grief and the whole fog of it and the blogosphere has been simply amazing... kind and tremendously supportive. Oftentimes, it can provide us with the perspective we lack from being in the middle of a situation.
Best of luck to you. x
Hi Mumeroo, over from Becky while I was over from Maxabella's. Yes I know it's very complicated! I'm sorry for your hurting heart, but I agree with most commenters the whole blaming yourself thing won't help you. It sounds like you have an incredibly busy year ahead for yourself and I'll be part of the squad cheering you from here on in x
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