NOT a good day

There were days, weeks even months last year where I would suddenly find myself crying, curled up in a ball on the floor, trying my hardest to stop my heart from falling out of my chest through the great gaping hole created by the pain I was going through.

Some days I would function for a while, and then crash for a while, pull myself together and go back to functioning.   But only by remote control.   Only by putting one foot in front of the other and forcing myself to pull the other foot forward.

It was a slow and agonizing period where I was trying my hardest to hide the way I was feeling from my very sensitive, caring and loving kids.    Because I didn't want to worry them.  

Of course I didn't do that very well.   One day I came home from work, and my 15 year old said to me 'you were crying today mum - some time around 11 am' .   I was stunned that he was so attuned to me that he knew I was upset even though he was at school and I was at work.  

I have been doing very well lately - My 2010 motto of  'Life Sux And Then You Die' has been removed - I'm not sure what it will be replaced with for 2011, but something far more positive !!!

Until today...

Today, I fell in a heap.   I don't know why, I don't really know what about, all I know is that I found myself on the floor in the bathroom at work, sobbing as if the last 7 months had evaporated away.   And the pain that I have worked so hard to cope with, deal with, come to terms with - all that work, it was all gone - it was as if it had just happened yesterday.  And I DON'T KNOW WHY.  

And I feel like I have to start all over again.

NOT how I wanted to start 2011 !!!!

Finding friends

Wow - when I started this blog thing... It wasn't due to 'peer pressure' but 'daughter pressure' !!!

I've always read Becky's blog - her living so far away, it was one way I could keep in contact with her. Not that I needed that really. Becky and I are very close. I often know stuff without her telling me. Not because of anything specific, but we are just so connected. To my shame though, I had NO IDEA she had PND. And she kept if from me for a long time.

If only she hadn't... One day I was telling her all about my trauma's and the next day she mentions her PND. I ofter wish that she'd mentioned that first and I may have been less open with her about my life. (Sorry Beck)

This last year, Becky has been my rock. She had to be the strong one for me AND her dad the day I left, and throughout the ensuing months. She also kept an eye on her three brothers to make sure they were all ok, all the while dealing with a difficult pregnancy and having to come to terms with her parents separating for herself.

So Becky - I thank you.

And now she's 'encouraged' me into the blogging world. And within a few days I've found a heap of friends that I can relate to on so many levels. I don't know if I can be as honest as many of you. (I have a daughter that I still - on some level - feel that I need to protect. And I think she reads my blog :) )

So, from my timid beginnings, and the beautiful comments I have received... There were some questions asked and comments made that I felt I should answer. But I'm not the kind of person who can give one sentence answers. So here goes:

Cate asked if I was a photo buff like Becky and what I'm studying at Uni.

Yes I love to take photos. My poor grandchildren. When they're at home, they have a mother with a camera in their faces all the time. THEN they come here and they get TWO camera's in their faces. However I'm not creative like Becky. I just point, shoot and hope for the best. I love Becky's photography (and I am NOT biased!!)

Uni - hmm. When I was 18 - my first job was at a library. I covered library books and other stuff. I always wanted to be a librarian. So now - 30 years later, at 49 years old, I'm starting a Bachelor of Information Studies (Librarianship). This will take me some years, because I'm also working full time. But it's what I want to do. And then I want to be a school librarian. Not sure how that will go - but it's a goal.

Maxabella mentioned that she thought she thought I sounded like a teenage girl - and yes I do know what you mean. If you ask Becky she'll tell you that I act like a teenager. I FEEL like a teenager in my heart, and in my head. My body just hasn't stayed here with me.

That being said - I can be a responsible adult and mother. I just like it better when I can still be a kid. Being a kid has eluded me a lot lately - but my inner child breaks out occasionally.

You also said that you hoped I might write about my pain someday. I very much doubt that I can - well some things anyway. Not because I can't as such, but because there's more than me involved. There are other people that I can hurt, that I can damage, and I won't allow myself to do that to the people I love.

I have spent today reading through so many people's blogs, all my new friends blogs. And so many things that I've read have mirrored things in my life. So many things that have helped me just by reading them. And I want to thank you all for being braver than me. For being strong enough to open yourselves up and share your lives.

I hope that I don't disappoint you.

My radar seems to be broken

I USED to have a radar, one that could sense when people weren't as nice as they tried to make out they were.

2010 was a bad year for me, I left my husband at the very end of 2009. Readjusting to life was difficult all by itself without me adding the extra stuff I did.

I thought that I had found a true 'kindred spirit'. But no, he was just... well he was the opposite to who I thought he was. That's probably the nicest way to put it. It's a very long, very complicated story that I will probably never tell, because it just hurt way too much. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not blameless in that story.

Even now, when I thought he couldn't hurt me anymore, something someone said to me today just brought it all flooding back. And incredibly, brought a lot of the pain back to the surface. So I'm obviously not as 'over' him as I thought I was.

Since then, I've lost faith in myself. I question everything I think, every decision I make, every direction I consider taking. I wonder if I'll ever trust myself again... And I have to question my perceptions of people as well. Because my perception is what I lost the most.

Not sure what I do to get that back...

I spend a lot of time reading other people's blogs, but I'm nervous about putting down the things that I think, the things that I feel.

It's fairly dangerous for me really. Once I start writing, something takes over and I write stuff that I didn't even know I was thinking often. And I know that that's good.

But what if the stuff you're thinking, the stuff you're writing is going to affect someone else? What if you're thoughts will hurt someone? What if.....

So I talked myself out of it.

This last couple of months I have been so touched by the close knit community that bloggers are. The support given to my girl as she publicly works her way through Post Natal Depression So many things that have been said and done for her that I appreciated as a mother living far away from her... The support given to Lori as she lived and lives through a nightmare that no-one should have to endure...

2010 was a hard year for me - the worst of my life. And I chose to live it inside - making sure noone knew how bad it was, how hurt I was. I may have had a better year if I'd looked for support and understanding, who knows - it's too late now. But 2011 is going to be a better year for me. And I want to share that with others - but old habits die hard, so I will probably more sparodic in my writing that Beck would want. Sorry!!!

I've been reading about the Pay It Forward on beckyandjames.com, and have decided that my first attempt to be a part of this blogging community will be to join in. So...

"I promise something handmade to the first 5 peopls who leave a comment here.

However, to be eligible, you must repost this message, offering something handmade to 5 other people. The rules are that it must be handmade by you, and it must be sent to your 5 giftees sometime in 2011. Ready, set, GO!"

And so begins my attempt to become a blogger!!!